Miscarriage

They say that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in a miscarriage.

• 75% of the miscarriages are within the first two weeks (most do not even know they are pregnant) and many believe they just had a "late" period.
• 10% are after a positive pregnancy test (at least two weeks past gestation)
• 5% between the weeks 6-12 and after the heartbeat was heard
• 3% are in the second trimester (considered stillbirth)
• 1% are in the third trimester and this is actually considered a stillbirth rather than a miscarriage of the fetus

Sadly, if you had a miscarriage in your first pregnancy, the likelihood of another miscarriage (13%) increases for subsequent losses.

I know this because I suffered a miscarriage before becoming pregnant with Avery. And quite honestly, the statistics do not help. Especially the one that states 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Note to friend/associates/acquaintances of a woman suffering from miscarriage: it doesn't help to hear any stats.

It took me one full year to be ready to try again.

I am really ok now. In fact, I am more than ok. I have a very healthy one year old! I can now talk about my miscarriage without my eyes brimming with tears. It wasn't always like this though. I found out I was pregnant in August of 2004. We were elated. I had been substitute teaching and coaching cross-country for the summer and through the school year. I felt ready to be a mom. I had graduated from college, fulfilled a career of choice and felt my motherly instincts kick into gear as I befriended {mothered} the girls on the high school team. We got pregnant the second month we tried. And I made an appointment with the doctor. I went in for routine appointments twice before going a third time and hearing my doctor's words.

Your baby looks smaller than it should at this point.

Silence.

I looked at Devin and he squeezed my hand.

I believe your baby's heartbeat stopped about one week ago.

I was eleven weeks.

I wasn't fully ready for the flood of emotions that came over immediately after my doctor's words told me the news. I didn't just tear up. I started bawling, nose dripping, head-buried-in my-husband's-shirt kind of cry. My mascara ran down my cheeks and my shoulders dropped as I cried heavy sobs. My doctor left us alone and I couldn't stop shaking my head.

Finally, Devin helped me compose myself and my doctor {who I truly love for everything he has done for us} talked to us. He told me he could get me in for a D&C that evening at 6 o'clock. We went home, waited for a call from the hospital and cried together. It was hard, on both of us. The to-be dad deals with, albeit different, just as much emotion as the to-be mother. I really believe that.

I went under anethesia for the first time in my life {I was nervous} and clearly remember everything. My nurse's name was Rudy and he repeatedly tried to hear me laugh. Another nurse told me that I needed to try Panera Bread blueberry bagels because they have real, whole blueberries in them {and they fight cancer so not to worry about the carbs}. I love these two people to this day because they made me smile that day though I'm sure they do not even remember me.

Recovery after a D&C is similar {well, the bleeding} to after a vaginal birth. I recovered though, physically and got into the best running shape of my life that next summer. Emotionally, it took time. My heart ached when I thought that nothing about me was pregnant anymore. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, until I felt ready, and only after that did I want to talk to those I trusted most. Like I said, it took time. But, I did come out of it ok {better than ever actually!}.

Here are some things that helped me:

• People sent me flowers with notes.
• Gave me space {This could go both ways depending on the person. I needed space}.
• They acknowledged the loss, apologized and simply stated their love.
• When someone told me they had suffered a miscarriage before, they displayed their understanding and never undermined the loss that one might feel {no matter how early the miscarriage took place}.
• My mother-in-law and two sister-in-laws gave me a gift certificate to The Gap. Shopping can usually help a sad spirit right?

Things not to do {my recommendations}:

• Gives stats!
• Say something must have been wrong with the baby and it was better it died {this truly does not help at the moment}.
• Urge the person to talk about it {unless they are clearly showing signs of depression, I think}

Like I said, I have a beautiful daughter today. The second pregnancy was filled with worry even after the 12 week "safe" mark. But, today I don't think of that. I am not sure why it happened, but I know now how to offer a compassionate shoulder to one that deals with a miscarriage.